Saturday, March 16, 2013

No Such Luck

I cannot get ahead in life these days. Not one bit. 

I'm unemployed, again. Second time since 2011. I left a stable, full time job for a position MUCH closer to home. It also paid more. 3 weeks in and I was "let go" do to financial issues. Seriously. I wasn't graceful in my exit, but a real big part of me wanted to be quite a bit more nasty. I've never felt so violated. That woman lied to be thru her teeth about the job and my duties from the start. Within one week, I knew I made a poor decision. I'd already started my job search. Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. 

Dogs will be dogs and she was most certainly a lying bitch. 

Anyways, I'm receiving unemployment. As little as it is, it helps. Between board for Loucee, my trailer payment, and my credit card, I'm hurting. I could sell her and my trailer is worse came to worse. Though I'm real close to paying off that credit card! I've only ever used it for school. 

Oh that's another thing. School. There will be no more classes until further notice. I took the semester off. The 2012 Fall semester was beyond rough. I could barely cope between working 10 hours a day (at a job I hated), an hour away from home, on top of a thousand other things that happened at once. It was nice to have a stress outlet with Loucee and my dogs. 

But sometimes one stress outlet isn't enough. I decided to give up on classes for the moment. It was just too much. Stress isn't my friend. I've been non-stop sick (sinus issues) since September 2012. After a battery of tests, I'm apparently healthy as an Olympian? Just fat. My weight is completely out of control.  I gave up my gym membership because I was too tired to be there. Well, I've got it back now. I've put on 60lbs since Spring of 2012. I'm friggin massive. My 5'4 frame looks hideous. 

Sure, I'm emotionally eating and not moving a whole lot (winter in Illinois sucks ass), but this is just crazy. I blame stress. My calories were in 1200 range pre-job loss. I was moving fast for at least 45 a day. There's no other reason other than stress. So tired of this shit. 

So tired of everything. Ron is gone more than ever. Monday thru Friday, it's just me and the dogs. My family is busy and my friends all have lives during the week. I also don't want to become a bar fly and that's apparently all they like to do. Sad. Oh well. 

I really need something to look forward too. An escape! I need to GTFO of Illinois/Midwest immediately. The chances of a vacation are slim to none. I'm very tempted come summer to take a solo road trip. I'll drop the dogs off at my folks house and leave. I need it so bad. I'm craving the desert. Utah is calling me "home". 

Which brings me back to home. Who knows where that will be in a few years. Ron is talking about moving to South Carolina now. I HATE THE EAST COAST. I hate everything about it! My family used to vacation there. I hate the humidity, the religion, the "southern" culture. Ugh. It's absolutely everything I don't want. We agreed on the West Coast or the Mountain region! It's where we most feel at "home". The desert heat is nothing to trifle with, but after a lifetime of humid Midwestern summers, I'm pretty damn sure we can handle it! Hell, if we can complete 10 mile hikes thru a desert afternoon, I think we will be just fine. 

There is also the PNW. We adore Oregon. Washington, not so much. But Oregon is another home. Specifically, the Newburg to Salem area. He's spent a ton of time out there for work. I've visited on numerous occasions as well. Such a gorgeous area with friendly transplants. I love the farm to table type culinary scene, the organic lifestyles, and the emphasis on living sustainably. My dream house out there would be on 10 or so acres, with a hazelnut orchard, some fruit trees, some grapes, a couple lush pastures for a few cows and Loucee, a chicken coop, huge garden plot, and a nice home. Considering we need about $400k to make that happen, it will probably NEVER happen. 

According to Ron, I'm too picky. He would be a-ok living in a shitty apartment, but he's never there, so why would it matter where he lives... This has been a huge argument lately. There are certain things I'm not giving up. I will not live in town again. Even if it's on two acres, it's enough for me to grow things, raise chickens, have privacy! He hates the old house issues that come with farm living though. Well, the farm living we can afford. I'm the one that is home all the time, not him. I should at least have the few things that I love the most out of life, right? He has his motorcycle, his woodshop, he's friends close by, but he still hates country living. Well, too bad, so sad. I'm not giving this life up! He will adjust or else. Harsh as it might be, I'm tired of arguing over it. 

And that brings me back to the top. I've thoroughly vented out now. It would be nice to have a bit of luck back in my life. We need something! 2013 has turned out to be pretty awful. The furnace broke, the cost of oil shot thru the roof (it's an oil furnace), then the hot water heater broke, and of course, I lost  my job. This all occurred in the past two months. The hot water heater is jerry rigged up for now. We will be paying off that load of oil until next fall. The furnace is still on the fritz. Between no hot water and a house temp set at 60, I'm one Negative Nancy. 

I'd love a little luck in my life. Our life. Maybe one of those lotto tickets I just bought contains the magic number? Not likely, but it gives me something wonderful to think about. 

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