Spring Tease

It's supposed to be in the 50's this weekend. Last year at this time, it was green and gorgeous. Right now, it's brown and dead. Oh and MUDDY. So much mud. My dogs are covered. My house is covered. I am usually covered. I've had it up to my eye balls in mud. While I won't complain about the rain and snow we've gotten, I can complain about mud. I hate it so much I'm considered liming my back dog run. It stays pretty dry in the summer and relatively grass free. At least I think it does. Or my dogs are part sheep and get it. In reality, they trample it down pretty darn well.

Since it's going to be warm soon, something I am dying to do it mow. It will likely be a month before I can use the mower, but I'm already feeling the itch. I LOVE TO MOW. It's so therapeutic. On the days I mow, I don't feel the need to self medicate with wine or food (not to mention my meds). I could easily mow for 6 hours, be sunburnt, covered in grass, sneezing up a storm, and still want to mow more. Now I don't weed whip. Screw that. I ain't getting off my mower. If it's in the way, I'll likely mow it down. Well, except for giant branches. In the spring I'll pay some kids to come over and pick up sticks that have fallen down over the winter. I've got like half a tree out there right now I'll have to use the tractor to drag.

The flowers around here are incredible in the spring too. Also, my garden is pretty swell. I need these happy things in my life ASAP. Like, tomorrow if possible. Once the ground is soft enough to turn, I'll plant my onions and potatoes. We've had SUCH a cold spring so far that the ground is way too cold. I'm also planning on rearranging some things out there, so it really needs to be soft.

Maybe then I'll be able to pry myself out of the couch. It's sucked me into its maw. The house is a wreck. I have a million things I should do, but I don't do them. Also, I should go to the gym and attempt to lose this massive weight, but I don't. I'm much happier on the couch with my dogs. My horse  probably doesn't care to see me, so I'm not in a rush to see her. I don't do cold (also don't do 90s). I live in the WRONG part of the world for sure.

Oh well. The sun keeps peaking out. My seedlings are reaching for it. If I have leaves I probably would too.

Done

I'm done with 2013. Worst year of my life thus far.

If I felt any emptier, I'd be dead. I'm desperately searching for happiness and it's completely unavailable and/or unfindable.

Between the lack of a job, money issues, relationship issues, my husband's job, the health of my animals, and something I'm not ready to talk about... I just can't take it. It's one set of bad news after the other. Like, I literally laugh thinking about how comical some of this shit happening is. How is it possible to be this unlucky?

Sure, we still have our cars and house, at the moment, but fuck. The stress is eating me alive.

No Such Luck

I cannot get ahead in life these days. Not one bit. 

I'm unemployed, again. Second time since 2011. I left a stable, full time job for a position MUCH closer to home. It also paid more. 3 weeks in and I was "let go" do to financial issues. Seriously. I wasn't graceful in my exit, but a real big part of me wanted to be quite a bit more nasty. I've never felt so violated. That woman lied to be thru her teeth about the job and my duties from the start. Within one week, I knew I made a poor decision. I'd already started my job search. Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. 

Dogs will be dogs and she was most certainly a lying bitch. 

Anyways, I'm receiving unemployment. As little as it is, it helps. Between board for Loucee, my trailer payment, and my credit card, I'm hurting. I could sell her and my trailer is worse came to worse. Though I'm real close to paying off that credit card! I've only ever used it for school. 

Oh that's another thing. School. There will be no more classes until further notice. I took the semester off. The 2012 Fall semester was beyond rough. I could barely cope between working 10 hours a day (at a job I hated), an hour away from home, on top of a thousand other things that happened at once. It was nice to have a stress outlet with Loucee and my dogs. 

But sometimes one stress outlet isn't enough. I decided to give up on classes for the moment. It was just too much. Stress isn't my friend. I've been non-stop sick (sinus issues) since September 2012. After a battery of tests, I'm apparently healthy as an Olympian? Just fat. My weight is completely out of control.  I gave up my gym membership because I was too tired to be there. Well, I've got it back now. I've put on 60lbs since Spring of 2012. I'm friggin massive. My 5'4 frame looks hideous. 

Sure, I'm emotionally eating and not moving a whole lot (winter in Illinois sucks ass), but this is just crazy. I blame stress. My calories were in 1200 range pre-job loss. I was moving fast for at least 45 a day. There's no other reason other than stress. So tired of this shit. 

So tired of everything. Ron is gone more than ever. Monday thru Friday, it's just me and the dogs. My family is busy and my friends all have lives during the week. I also don't want to become a bar fly and that's apparently all they like to do. Sad. Oh well. 

I really need something to look forward too. An escape! I need to GTFO of Illinois/Midwest immediately. The chances of a vacation are slim to none. I'm very tempted come summer to take a solo road trip. I'll drop the dogs off at my folks house and leave. I need it so bad. I'm craving the desert. Utah is calling me "home". 

Which brings me back to home. Who knows where that will be in a few years. Ron is talking about moving to South Carolina now. I HATE THE EAST COAST. I hate everything about it! My family used to vacation there. I hate the humidity, the religion, the "southern" culture. Ugh. It's absolutely everything I don't want. We agreed on the West Coast or the Mountain region! It's where we most feel at "home". The desert heat is nothing to trifle with, but after a lifetime of humid Midwestern summers, I'm pretty damn sure we can handle it! Hell, if we can complete 10 mile hikes thru a desert afternoon, I think we will be just fine. 

There is also the PNW. We adore Oregon. Washington, not so much. But Oregon is another home. Specifically, the Newburg to Salem area. He's spent a ton of time out there for work. I've visited on numerous occasions as well. Such a gorgeous area with friendly transplants. I love the farm to table type culinary scene, the organic lifestyles, and the emphasis on living sustainably. My dream house out there would be on 10 or so acres, with a hazelnut orchard, some fruit trees, some grapes, a couple lush pastures for a few cows and Loucee, a chicken coop, huge garden plot, and a nice home. Considering we need about $400k to make that happen, it will probably NEVER happen. 

According to Ron, I'm too picky. He would be a-ok living in a shitty apartment, but he's never there, so why would it matter where he lives... This has been a huge argument lately. There are certain things I'm not giving up. I will not live in town again. Even if it's on two acres, it's enough for me to grow things, raise chickens, have privacy! He hates the old house issues that come with farm living though. Well, the farm living we can afford. I'm the one that is home all the time, not him. I should at least have the few things that I love the most out of life, right? He has his motorcycle, his woodshop, he's friends close by, but he still hates country living. Well, too bad, so sad. I'm not giving this life up! He will adjust or else. Harsh as it might be, I'm tired of arguing over it. 

And that brings me back to the top. I've thoroughly vented out now. It would be nice to have a bit of luck back in my life. We need something! 2013 has turned out to be pretty awful. The furnace broke, the cost of oil shot thru the roof (it's an oil furnace), then the hot water heater broke, and of course, I lost  my job. This all occurred in the past two months. The hot water heater is jerry rigged up for now. We will be paying off that load of oil until next fall. The furnace is still on the fritz. Between no hot water and a house temp set at 60, I'm one Negative Nancy. 

I'd love a little luck in my life. Our life. Maybe one of those lotto tickets I just bought contains the magic number? Not likely, but it gives me something wonderful to think about. 

Neigh Happiness

I've found happiness again in the form of a 1000 lb, 4 legged animal that says "neigh".

Her name is Loucee. She's a registered Quarter Horse mare by a famous western pleasure stud. She's just swell. Minus the fact she pulled a shoe and hurt her hock in the trailer on the way up last weekend. Oh well. Horses will be horses.

It's been too darn hot to enjoy her or even be outside. Over 90 degrees, well into the 100s for a few days, for a solid week? No thank you! It's just tooooooooo nasty out. Until this evening. The temp dropped 20 degrees and I never thought that 80 would feel "cool". We have all the windows open, air units off, and are enjoying the sweet summer breeze.

THIS is what summer is all about! Bugs chirping at sunset, trees swaying, and feeling that glorious breeze on your face. If only it would rain....

We haven't had a decent rain in a week. After that 100 plus days, we really need it. My lawn is done for. The trees even look pathetic. But worst of all, the corn crop is withering away. I feel so bad for all the farmers. This was suppose to be a great year! Not one of such loss.

I feel a bit guilty for not visiting Loucee for the past two days, but I couldn't deal with the heat. She barely knows me, and is probably quite happy dealing with the heat on her own. Now that it's cooled down, I hope to get some riding time in.

Another thing being neglected due to heat is my garden. I've not weeded it in weeks! Watering is easy. I just turn on the hose and let the sprinkler due the job. Weeding.... not fun when the sweat is beading on your glasses! I've got enough Preen and Roundup down to keep the bad one's at bay. It's the weeds in the asparagus bed that are driving me crazy. Oh well! At least everything looks healthy and happy out there. My zucchini is flourishing at the moment. Everything else is catching up. Not bad for being planted at the end of May. I wanted to get everything in early May, but that didn't work out!

The garden will come into it's on all in good time. At least I hope it does. I really know very little. When something happens, I Google it. Found out that hot weather and lettuce don't mix. Found out what bolting is. Found out that you're not suppose to water at night. Found out that baking soda, soap, and water will destroy fungus. Found out that DE will kill bugs. Fun stuff I keep learning!

Also recently found out how sweet my husband was with his baby bird Rory. The little tyke was blown  out of the nest and somehow survived a very high fall. Ron fed him for a week and he was doing so great! Then one hot day we were gone for a few hours. Ron fed him and Rory just up and died. I think Ron overfed him and the little bird just didn't stop asking. It's easy to do, but then again, the little guy might of had internal injuries we didn't know about. Ron was so sad! I felt terrible. Poor guy.

The country is a cruel place and my city boy is figuring it out. I'm proud of him for trying so hard none the less.

It's also a beautiful place.

Slumber

It's been nearly 6 months since my last post.

A lot has changed.

I'm working again. Found a job in March. Yay. Now I have 693 people to look after.

Things are slightly better on the home front. As in I'm still married and we haven't killed each other yet.

House almost burned down. My 100 year old farmhouse got struck by lightning a couple weeks ago. You don't realize how much you love your life until you almost lose it. Now I'm kinda glad the wiring is such a disaster. It likely saved our butts, our dog butts, and all of my dear possessions.

We had a foster dog for 3 months. Lab Mix. He had issues. Now he is someone else's basketcase.

I went off the pill. Now I've got the temp fix. I'm good for 8 years. No more hormones, no more mood swings, no more fear of the unexpected. Instead, I have pain every morning and incredibly intense periods. 6 in one, half dozen in the other.

A lot has also not changed.

Husband is still never home. Now it's harder. So much to take care of outside and I'm working 50 hour weeks, 45 minutes away from home.

Money could be better. Money could always be better I suppose.

My saving grace right now is the fact that it's summer. That means bonfires, warm nights, porch parties, swimming, and flowers.

Christmas Wishes

This season of supposed joy hasn't been so joyous lately. Adding to our ever growing pile of home repair bills, the horrendous wind busted out our front picture window last week. Then the dryer, the brand spankin new dryer, decided to not work...

All right before Christmas!? You freakin kidding me?! 

My current Christmas wish is for my husband and myself to catch a damn break! Puh-leease!

Outside of that, ideally, I would prefer the following to happen as well.

-Find a full-time job that pays decently. Enjoying it would be a perk!

-Get our repair bills paid down before summer. Fat chance at the rate this house falls apart. 

-School to go easier on both of us. 

And lastly, winning the Powerball or MegaMillions would be just swell. 

That's not to much to ask for, right?

Crazy Chocolate Cake

Dare I say healthy? Well, to a degree. This is why it's called Crazy Chocolate Cake. It's fabulous for starters. Not to mention super moist. Please, give it a shot! 

Crazy Chocolate Cake

1 Cup Hershey’s Special Dark Cocoa

1 ¾ Cup Cake Flour 

1 ¾ Cup Sugar

2 Teaspoon Baking Powder

1 ½ Teaspoon Baking Soda

1 Teaspoon Salt

1 Tablespoon Vanilla

1 Tablespoon Canola Oil

1 Tablespoon Milk

1 Egg

1 Can Pumpkin Puree

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees F.

Grease 8 ½ by 11 pan with canola oil spray.

Mix the dry ingredients thoroughly.

Mix the wet ingredients in a separate bowl. 

Combine the wet into the dry slowly.

Pour into pan and smooth top with a spatula.

Bake for 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. 

The amount of sugar can be lessened. I haven't tried it yet, but I think it will taste just fine. Same goes for the cocoa used. If you'd rather use regular instead of dark, feel free. 

I whipped up a simple cream cheese frosting to put on it, but for Christmas, I'm going to do peppermint. Dark chocolate and peppermint go together like peanut butter and jelly. Sprinkled with some crushed candy canes, and we're in business. 

Seriously, I need to stop baking now.